I believe one of the most powerful outcomes of improving our emotional intelligence (EI) is consistently treating people of different backgrounds as equals. I believe that the capacity to do that requires a healthy blend of attention, empathy, and compassion...all of which are essential building blocks of social awareness, one of the four domains of EI.
Like many things, easier said than done.
Many of us were raised by parents who didn’t see everyone else as equal. Others succumbed to the influence of childhood (or perhaps early adulthood) friends who didn’t see everyone else as equal. Perhaps we had a harmful experience at some point in our lives that led to an unwillingness to see everyone else as equal.
Whatever the reason, I believe most people can gradually reverse or improve this trait so that it becomes a standard by which they interact with others.
Seeing Others as Un-Equals
Before I get to how we can do that, it’s useful to address the thorny issue of not seeing other people as equals. As we know, this can manifest in a number of ways, sometimes in benign fashion:
“They wouldn’t have to panhandle if they just got a job.” (I have a job)
“They’re just kids. What do they know?” (I’m not a kid)
“He never finished college.” (I did)
“All these damn transplants are ruining our town.” (I’m a native)
“It’s scary seeing all those homeless people.” (I have an address)
“She was raised in a broken home.” (I wasn’t)
Truth be told, there are facts implicit to each of these statements: people who may not be employed, have moved to a new town, don’t have a physical adddress, or whose parents are divorced. However, we usually don’t have all the facts and simply judge them as un-equals based on our initial or limited perception.
As a result, when we use statements such as those above, we define people by their challenge, their liability, or their deficit. And once that happens, it can be very hard to see them as equals, and see their humanity.
The Concept of Asset-Framing
Trabian Shorters is “the author and global authority on a cognitive tool called Asset-Framing”, a term that has gained traction and popularity in recent years amidst the backdrop of the corporate trend of (and debate over) diversity, equity, and inclusion training.
Here’s a brief video where he explains it in his words:
By focusing on someone’s aspirations and contributions, rather than their shortcomings and challenges, we’re able to find common ground. We see that they, too, have desires and ambitions like we do. We see that they, too, have hopes and dreams. We see that they’re more like us than we thought and, therefore, more equal.
The Impact on Emotional Intelligence
Shorters recently posted some thoughts on LinkedIn, in response to a follower’s post, which I believe adds further clarity to his cognitive tool.
His comments led me to realize that by changing how we see people, we can actually improve those emotional intelligence competencies I mentioned at the start: attention, empathy, and compassion.
Here’s how:
Asset-Framing is paying attention to a person’s aspirations and contributions in addition to their challenges.
Those challenges aren’t ignored. We still pay attention to them, only after the acknowledgement of their aspirations.
When defining that person, integrating language for their assets shapes our emotional response and initial impression of them, often in a more positive way.
We’re able to understand how they may think (cognitive empathy) and how they may feel (emotional empathy) because it’s likely that we also define ourselves by aspirations and contributions; we can relate to them.
The outcome is that we’re able to be more compassionate and take action on our empathy. What’s the action? Treating them as equals.
Setting the Standard
In my opinion, the standard worth setting here is judging people by what they may want rather than judging them by what they lack. Going back to some of the statements I used when we see people as un-equals:
“have to panhandle” can become “stay nourished”
“never finished college” can become “has other life priorities”
“damn transplants” becomes “seeking a better life”
“homeless” can become “safety and security”
Again, I acknowledge that this can be hard, especially when our neural circuits have been wired by past experiences. Reminding ourselves that most of us would like to be seen by others in a similar light can make this a bit easier. And as we know, anything that’s hard is probably worth doing.